2012

Wow...we made it.

Sometimes I am shocked by the years because I was always told by doctors that I would never make it from one to the next, but now I am amazed by them because its one year closer til Ashley will move away...scary and hard lol.

Ashley got into college, now we figure out paying for it, just like every other family in America...I am so proud of her. she is so much happier lately, she seems to be happier with herself and therefore just generally happy...I am so thankful for that. I was getting more scarred than angry or anything at her mood swings...I was terrified that she may slip away, and that she would do something horrid to herself. Ashley is so beautiful and funny and way to smart lol, but she doesn't seem to see any of that in herself, that's kinda sad to me, cause I would love to be like her.

Ken and I...well its tough. For a few months now he has become obsessed with reading, he is either reading or on his computer watching things. I will go in there 2-3 an hour trying to get his attention...most of the time he wont even look at me just nod or go uh huh...then when we go out its even worse, he will get on his phone and that's it, I try to talk to him, but he makes me feel like I am invading his space, I feel so disconnected from him. All aspects of our lives are suffering from it...who wants to share any intimacy with the person who has spent days ignoring you. There was a time where we did nothing but laugh all day, joke with each other, watch TV together...now he would rather do anything but spend time with me. I feel so flippin lost, so alone, and he just either doesn't see it, or doesn't care.

I love him, their is no doubt, if I didn't I would have walked so long ago, but because I love him I keep trying, just makes me sad. He used to consider my needs and wants along with his own and we always shared or made do with a compromise...nooo way now. The last several times we have hung out while Ash and Carl have gone off he has made me feel like I really don't matter. This last time he said over and over and over again that we had very little money, so since he had just covered the target bill I said with my birthday gift card (what was left on it) we could go to subway and split and sandwich and get a soda...he said nope he wanted chicken and waffles...I cant eat it (nor would I want to) and so that's what he did, I gave him the card to use because I felt bad he covered my target purchase. It just really made me feel horrible. The time before that we were way broke...it was pathetic lol we had enough to get something to drink, we were going to be there for a few hours waiting on the kids and he bought a coffee, I don't drink coffee...so I got nada :( I don't think hes doing it to be cruel, I just don't think he thinks about any of it anymore, just his own needs.

Hes not always bad, I know it sounds like that, but there are more sad and lonely moments than there are woohooo...yah know.

My moms health has improved big time, I was way scared there for a bit, her arm was crazy big, sitting with her at the hospital made me realize how lucky I am to have her...even if we fight like the greeks we are lol.

Well my back is killing me so I am gonna go lay down, I will write about my grandparents and the rest later...

lol oh yeah...there were amazing moments as well, I will share later lol