Devistated

Lately my health has gone down hill, I am in pain all the time, I can barely move at times, things are just bad...and I feel like I have no support here, I get yelled at continuously from all of them, I get treated like shit from all of them...but the part that hurts me the most is that because of how I feel Ashley thinks I do nothing but sit on my ass all day, that I do nothing else (which is bullshit). I have no one to go to, no one to talk to...I am so alone.


All of my life I have been alone, very quiet, withdrawn from everyone...then I became a mom, I went out of my way to make everything perfect for Ashley, I mean I did everything with her and for her...and now if you ask her, she says I did nothing, that her childhood was shit. That child laughed all the time as a kid, she was so happy...it wasn't till junior high that she became so withdrawn...until then she was a happy child, and we were inseperable. Some how she doesn't remember any of that, alls she does is treat me like I am nothing, makes me feel as if I hold her back in life.


Ash is a good kid, I know this sounds harsh, but she is a damn good kid, and i like to believe we are happy for the most part, I think we are a normal family with highs and lows, and struggles...but I think with all the stuff in Ashleys life the easiest thing for her to do is take it all out on me, I will always forgive her, hell sometimes I need to be forgiven, i often need to be...its easy to lash out at someone who loves you then to lash out at friends and such, but i dont want this to be us anymore...I am afraid that if my health goes fats that this is the memory she will remember, not the millions of happy moments, just the end where all she seems to see is a lazy ass mom that sits on her ass all day. Knowing your child thinks that of you hurts more than I can ever tell you, I know she will change her perception as time goes on...its just hard.


I wish we didn't have to struggle for everything, I wish we had enough money to stock up the fridge, I wish we could buy her all the games she wants, I wish she never had to go without...but we all try, I mean it, we do, I go without everything to make sure she gets the things she needs, hell I do it for Ken to...but neither of them go without for me. My birthday is on the 20th...and I will go without, I always do...hell I am lucky if I get remembered. Ashley is the only person in my life who has never forgoten...shes the only one who has ever gone out of her way for me...she is my life and my heart and I just miss her. I miss spending time with her, I miss seeing her smile and hearing her laugh...I miss it all. I hope things change...because right now I am at a low that I am not sure I can bounce back from :(