Shattered

My little cousin has once again landed himself into some serious legal trouble...this time its super bad. My heart hurts for him, and at the same time I am so angry with him...he is always going for that instant gratification, never thinks long term and definatly never thinks about the people who will have to pay for his actions.

My cousin has always been more than just a cousin, he has called me mom since he was 2 (hes 21 now) and he was always like a big brother to Ash...he was dealt a shit hand in life and my grandparents and Ashley and I tried so hard to make up for it, to try and protect him from it, but it was all just to big. I am so scared for him, so worried about the choices he is making, his life is pretty much over, and that hurts so much. All through the day as I got more and more pieces to the puzzle I tried to stay strong, tried to play it off...but now its night time and everyone is asleep and I am bawling like a baby.

I hate that everytime he messes up everyone else has to pay for it, mostly I worry about Ashley and my grandma. My sweet grandma has always been his biggest supporter, triing so hard to give him the best life she could, sometimes I think she tried to bring to much into his life, always making exscuses for him, always covering up for him...he has never just stepped up and took what he deserved. I hate what this is doing to Ashley, she gets let down by everyone, and she always looked to him to protect her, and time after time she has had to watch while he exploded and took everyone with him, she has cried time after time because of him. I hate that she wants family more than anything and yet they all keep letting her down...

I wish my little cousin could have had a different life, learned to make the right decissions, I wish that Ashley never had to know the kind of pain shes had to deal with all her life, more than anything I wish I could fix it all, I wish I could keep Ashley from hurting, keep little man from messing up and keep my grandparents from being drug into it all.


I am scared, worried, mad, sad, confused and I just feel sort of empty, my heart is broken, and until I know hes safe I will be like this...sadly I doubt he really cares anymore :(