In the end, it doesn't even matter...

I think Ken and I are headed for good-byes. I say this with a broken heart and tons of confusion. He shut down months ago, but I kept trying, kept hoping...but the more I try the more he withdraws.


When we are out togather, wheather on a special "us" date or as chaperones for the kids he has proven being with me is the last thing he wants. We were at diner togather, just us, and in the middle of me talking to him he took out his phone and got on his facebook, completely shutting me out, at the bookstore we were talking and laughing and once again he took out his phone and started reading his political blogs...when hes home I go to talk to him as often as I can come up with things to say, he wont even look up at me, its all about his computer...one minute hes laughing and we are doing good and literally in the next breath hes down and shut me out. I do think hes depressed, I know he is stressed out...but so am I! I still make time for us, I still try...I just dont think he loves me anymore.


When is enough enough? when is to much, to much? When does it end?


My doctor says I am extremely depressed and thats why I have high blood preasure, why my other health problems are even worse, why my stomach is destroying me...but in this house I dont matter. there are days where I believe with all my heart that all of them would be happier without me, I get over it quick, I am not gonna off myself, but just for a blink the thoughts do happen...I just want to matter, to someone...I want to be a priority to someone...I just want to someone to care. Its awfully lonely in my world, alone all day, then as they all come home they go off into their worlds, and I am still alone...then they all go to sleep and I am up all night all alone...no one knows just how bad things are for me right now, and sadly they just dont care.


I am worried about Ken, worried all his stress all his drama is going to do him harm, I worry about Ashley and all the bullshit she has to go through with school, friends and so on, I worry about my mom being nearly 70 and working her ass off out in the cold, I worry about all of them every moment of every day, and they never give me a second thought...


My world, its a lonely little world, one I am destined to be stuck in...life, it is what it is.