Growing Up...

Every time I look at my daughter I amazed by her beauty and dumb struck by how smart and caring she is. She has a heart bigger than you could imagine, and it often gets hurt, she has a mind that is creative and funny and its often over looked...my daughter is this amazing young woman who I am so beyond proud of, shes my heart and soul, my every breath...


And I feel like I am loosing her. She is easily hurt, and unfortunately people in the family tend to think their jokes are OK, but they hurt her, and I always just expect her to deal with it, that's so fucked up of me, I just don't know how to deal with it. I want to scream and shout but at the same time its family, family that jokes equally with everyone...I guess I always felt like since that's how they were with me (even when it hurt) that its OK...its not, and that's going to change, I won't let them hurt her the way they did me and let them think its ok and funny...I let her down.


My daughter is beyond smart, often underestimates herself, I have spent her whole life telling her how smart she is, but at the same time always been afraid of how smart she is...I mean come on I failed school in every way possible. I was a stupid with drawn kid who wanted to be anywhere but at school, and hell I often wasn't at school...so when Ashley comes to me for help with her school work and I don't know how I feel guilty, I withdraw and sometimes I snap, its my own insecurities, my own stupid fears, but it hurts her, I failed...again.


Ashley is witty and goofy and so damn funny, her jokes are often just thought up right there, her come backs are priceless, I try to joke with her, and I suck at it, the weird thing is both of the goofy comebacks we say hurt when they shouldn't, hers will hurt mine (unintended) and mine hers (unintended). It can be a vicious cycle and I am learning its because I want so badly to be accepted by her, and that's so damn stupid, and it also makes her not want to joke with me...its a work in progress, but as of now once again a fail.


Ashley is beautiful, I mean drop dead gorgeous! She has amazing hair, big gorgeous eyes and a smile that lights up a room, it breaks my heart that she doesn't see it. It kills a parent when they see their child fretting over their weight, upset at anything regarding their looks, its hard. In elementary school she had an eating disorder, she flat refused to eat...someone jokes about her weight so she stopped eating. I was so scared, so worried about her, we were lucky to catch it in time, beyond lucky. Now every time she mentions her weight I get worried, worried she will go back, and it hurts, hurts because shes perfect, because she is truly perfect. I had an eating disorder, weighed 90 pounds when I got pregnant, but I ate right and did all the right things while I was pregnant, gaining weight was so hard, but once she was born and I got sick they put me on crazy meds and heavy steroids...so now I am heavy. I hate my looks, nothing about me makes me happy, and I fear that the way I see me is effecting her...I just keep failing her...


See I know shes ashamed of me, and that is the worst kind of pain, I know she looks down on me, and its breaking my heart. I always knew my depression was killing me, but I guess I didn't see how badly it was effecting Ashley, the relationship between us. I feel like I am loosing her, that's a hard thing to deal with...every day she draws further away from me, there are few to no smiles, allot of muttering under her breath (I hear it all, I try to ignore it, but its ripping my heart out). The thing is I have failed her time and time again so why would she want our old relationship, why would she want to be with me? Why be with someone who is always down, always bitchy and I just feel like a failure...


This post isn't to get a reaction or comments, its honestly because I have failed, and that was always my biggest fear, failing Ashley. When the nurse said it was time, that the baby was right there, I was crying and saying over and over again I was afraid I would fail her, not be the mom she needed me to be...I fucked up, now I need to find a way to fix this, fix it before I loose her. She is my world, she is my happy place...just her walking through the door makes my day better, I just wish I knew how to explain it all to her, I wish I could explain the craziness in my head...I just miss her, I miss her so much