Lost in my world

So much has been going on here, I have been unable to deal with it all...its all just piled up to a point where I can't see beyond it. Lost...

Losing Puppers has been a major blow, loosing your best friend is so hard...so beyond hard. It was raining as we drove, he looked happy to be going for a drive...I was a mess, no other way to put it. Ken filled out the papers while I sat with Pup, kissing him, telling him I loved him, making promises and comforting him...then they took him, and I lost it...I truely lost it...and I haven't been able to get back on track at all.

Anyone who knows me knows about my insomnia, I used to be able to get 2-3 hours asleep during the day, I can't even get that now...I feel like I am going insane, no sleep truely fucks with your head. After we took Pup my ability to get that little sleep has dissappeared, I don't complain to my family, I lie and say I got some sleep, but my eyes are on fire, and I cry alot, everytime I think of pup or hear a sound and look for him, I am just a fucked up basket case, a true mess...and I am so damn tired.

Through all of this my doctor told me I will be going through a process of tests to test for MS...I have been told for years by other docs that I may have it, first time going through all kinds of tests though. Maybe if I do have it people will believe me when I say I am in pain, pain they could never imagine, all the time...maybe then I will be able to tell them I am in pain without feeling guilty, like I let them down...they never believe me, and never help me :( I know they love me, but I don't think they realize how bad off I am...but who cares...

Through all of the bullshit, pain and lack of sleep my daughter has been my one bright spot. She makes me laugh and has helped me so much with thehouse work...she is an amazingly special girl, I am so beyond proud of her, always...

I am gonna go now, watching a movie...sort of...