Love Hurts

Tomorrow is my birthday...I will be 34. I am not sure how a person should feel when their birthday comes around, but I dread it, I hate attention, I hate people making me the center of attention...I get scared and nervous...and I feel like a loser. I dread holidays for the same reason...theres something in me that's broken, and I don't know how to fix it.


I live in a constant state of sadness, I put a big fake smile on and act like everything is OK...but inside the me, the real me, is dieing slowly...and no one here notices or cares. Its a lonely world when you stop and realize that no one in your life really knows you, no one in your life cares...its hard, really hard trying to find my way in this world, to let people in...I trust no one, and it has allot to do with constant hurts and let downs...


Trust...who can you trust in this world? I trust no one...The one person I am truly close to is my daughter, and I trust her, but I will never burden her...never. Everyone has hurt me to many times to trust, made me feel alone, lost and unwanted.

I believe with all my heart that Ken would cheat on me in a heart beat, I believe if any woman...and I do mean ANY woman offered it up he would go for it...knowing that, living with that everyday is hard, I am always wondering how many lies hes told me, if he has crossed that line already, if this is all just some stupid bullshit game to him, and I take all the hurt, sadness, loneliness and lock it away in my heart, where it sits and hurts and haunts me constantly. I can't talk to him, I have tried, he just lies...he tends to lie allot, even about little things, I don't understand it, I catch him, call him on it and he laughs...does this ever get easier?


I love him, I love him so much, but I can't picture the happily ever after anymore, and that scares me...You give up on love and then find it when you least expect it...you put all you are into it, trying to trust in it in ways you never learned how, and you get hurt over and over again, for what? I have told him so many times that if he wants someone else, something else to just leave, man up and go away, don't rip me to pieces...


I know I am a fucked up person, maybe even difficult, but one thing no one in my life can say is I burden them with any of it...when the physical pain is nearly overwhelming, making me run to the restroom to get sick, I don't complain nor do I let them see how much pain I am in, when ever they want to do something, go somewhere any of it I go out of my way to make it happen. I go without just about everything so no one else has to go without...it makes life suck some days...


I don't know what to do about Ken, I don't know if its worth working on if hes not ever going to make any effort, I also worry that maybe I am the one fucking it up...I know his stupid need to always chat with women and lie about it isn't in my head, but is he seeking them out so much because of me? Are all of my insecurities the reason he may or already has gone elsewhere? I am just so tired of the drama of it all, I don't mind if he chats with girls, hell hes allowed to have friends, but he crosses the line, as do the girls he chats with...the fact he lies about it, hides it and all leads me to always wonder what the hell is going on...he sits outside with the pups at night, the whole time he is chatting, sharing all the parts of his life with everyone else....but me. I seem to cry all the time lately, sitting in the bathroom, in an empty tub, alone...always alone...crying because I have absolutely no one to turn to...who do you trust in a life filled with people who would rather use you, lie to you or hurt you...who do you turn to when you can't even trust yourself...

Love Hurts...hurts in more ways than anyone can even comprehend...