Parenting

I have always heard people say that being a parent is the hardest job, I never really got it til recently. Ashley was always such an easy child, as a baby she was always happy, seldom ever cried, as a toddler the world was brand new and alls she wanted was to explore it, as a kid she was content to sit and goof off with me, as a teen she has finally made this parenting thing hard ass work.

Last week Ashley lied to me. Sounds like a typical teen, except it was very out of character for her. I have always stressed the importance of the trueth, hell I am a very leiniant parent, I let her do so much and alls she has ever had to do is ask me. She is a straight A student who works her ass off triing to get into an amazing college, she earned my trust, so when she lied it hit me hard, it hurt so bad...it felt like I got sucker punched by my best friend.

I had a bad childhood with my parents, I didn't trust them and lied all the time because they were just mean, I swore I would never be like that, and I haven't. I am the parent that is always with the kids, they have volunteer work and I take them, they want to go goof off somewhere and I take them, they just want to hang out and I am all for it. I give in to alot with Ash, not because I want to spoil her, but because she has always shown such maturity...its so hard to explain what I feel like now...I mean was I a stupid person for always believing her or was she always telling the trueth and she just had a momentary lapse in judgement?

I grounded her for a week, I took the computer and her cell away...but that is nothing compared to the loss of trust. I just hate that she choose to lie to me instead of just asking if she could stay later at her friends, I dropped her off at a birthday party, there was a bounce house and all her friends...when I called at 8 and said I was on my way she said she was still goofing off in the bounce house with her friends, but I stood firm, it was dark and she had already stayed the night the previous night, so I show up and the bounce house is gone...the rental place had picked it up long ago, she was at her friends talking to the boy next door...then she continued the lie.

She tried to tell me the bounce house was in the backyard, I am no fool...I was pissed. I think she knows how badly she messed up, she wrote me a note that broke my heart...but the trust is just not there right now, and its wierd to me because I have always trusted her...

I know it sounds trivial, but its not, not to me. A lie is a lie...a hurt is a hurt, and disappointment is what it is...its going to take some time for us to be ok again, it will be alot longer than that before I trust her to be at her friends house like that again...

Am I over protective, over reacting? I don't know...I just know that I have never given her a reason to lie to me, I have always been the one to be understanding, don't get me wrong I am a mom first and foremost but I also know what it was like to be a kid, I know that when boys are around you get all screwed up and do stupid stuff, I know that when your 14 you are ready to be independent and you think you know it all, hell I was a kid who grew up in the ghetto so I get it...but I also know that I got in to trouble that was serious and bad, I know that when I lied to stay out later I was doing shit that was way wrong...

Anyways this is a rambling post so I will end it...just have a hundred things going through my head right now...life is just kicking the shit out of me left and right...I will explain it all later...ughhhh I just want to close my eyes and have the whole world dissappear for just a bit...night all.