My heart hurts

I am once again going to write all about my love life...and I am so sorry, but I am hurting and I need an outlet.

For months I have writen about how I felt Ken and I were drifting apart, I felt he was always angry at me, talked down to me daily without even realizing he was. I felt like there was something between us and it felt hopeless...

This last weekend we had an amazing time togather, we laughed alot, talked, held each other...it felt right, like we were finally getting back to the place that I felt loved and safe...

Until last night.

See as many know I have insomnia, so I tend to screw around on the computer trying to kill time, I am always googling people lol...its funny what comes up. Until you see something thats just wrong. A personal ad on a sex site, an ad that is your man, with a pic you took of him...thats how I know its recent, cause I took the pic not to long ago, it was at the race track when he was racing...there he was, looking for sex...

Why am I not enough? I wrote an email to him, sent it...then went to his email and deleted it, I did this a few times...he still has no clue. Today I was sitting here torn up and hurting and so so so pissed...I deleted his profile, and now I feel like I am in the wrong for doing so...damn am I a mixed up person.

He and I have had this same problem before...and I bought the line he gave me, it destroyed my self image, but I let it go, forgave him, and we moved on. And now once again here it is, same scenario and pain.

I know I have not met his needs as often for a little while now, hell I have been so sick, the pain of just being touched has been almost unbearable, but even at my sickest I was there for him and I tried to hide the pain and make him smile...I feel like I failed him and this is what I get for it. But damn it why the hell doesn't he just leave me if he wants something else, I am so so so tired of being hurt, confused and just generally fucked up...

Could this all be a misunderstanding, no I don't think so...the email he used was his secret myway one so that also points out its recent...

I keep sending him the email letting him know how I feel, I keep sending it hoping he can make me understand what the hell is up, but I then run and delete it. I am a stupid coward...I am so damn afraid of what he will say, so afraid that its all on me, that hes repulsed by my fat body, by how sick I have been...I am afraid that maybe hes not the man I have always thoought he was, I am afraid I will lose him, I am afraid of him just plain not loving me...I am just afraid.

I never wanted to fall in love with Ken...hell he is my polar opposite. first night I met him I thought he looked like such a nerd, so different from any guy I would ever go for...but he made me laugh, my little girl adored him, and he made me feel beautiful...then he moved to San Fransisco to go to school, and man did we fall apart. he had a personal ad at that time to...with all his updated info...he hung out with this nasty ass fat chick who was a bitch to me and called her his sugar mama...he broke my heart so bad...

I got asked out all the time, and hell a guy friend of mine came over all the time while Ken was gone, but I never ever ever crossed any line, Ken had my heart...I was always honest, told him everything...but he never gave that honesty back to me...when he came back, we reconnected and I thought things were ok...then the adult site came up...he said it was old, that it was before us (and even though I knew different due to the info on it) I bought his explination or I excepted it.

Things were ok after that, we were always togather, we laughed all the time...we had reconnected, we had talked and talked and we were able to move past it...

But come on now...again? this is just not cool...this is wrong.

I tell him everything, I reach out to him all the time...I try so hard to be there for him all the time, hell I even keep my mouth shut when hes treating me like shit or snapping at me. I try so hard to be supportive and understanding...not unloading any of my problems on him so that I don't add to his stress...but he never goes out of his way for me, he never makes me feel special anymore...this last weekend I thought we were finding our way back togather, we reconnected, or so I thought...

anyways I needed a place to vent, rant and just get it out, I could be wrong and things will be ok, or I could be right and its over...I just needed an outlet for all the shit in my head...and please don't judge me for forgiving him, I love him, and I do think we are a strong couple, we just have hit a few orugh patches...I don't know where were going, but I do know I will love him with all my heart forever.