sleepy

I am just so tired its not even funny...I try everything to get some sleep...and nothing works!!!! They have prescribed sleeping pills, changed my diet and so so much more...nothing will put me out. I know its mental, and I just can't get past it, not sure I ever will. It stems from something that happend 12 years ago...and it replays in my mind all the time...so even though I am beyond exhausted I sit here playing stupid games, watching nick at night and doing anything and evrything to make my mind quiet down...

I was chatting with a friend today who told me even though we have been friends for years she doesn't know me at all...and shes right. I keep so much of who I am locked deep inside, I am so afraid of being judged, of hurting someone, of not being enough...I smile and laugh and do my very best to make sure the people around me are happy, but the pain inside me is almost unbearable at times, but I am to afraid to share it with anyone :o(

I have been with Ken for 6 years, and he doesn't know me either...to me thats heart breaking. I want to open up, to just be me, but so many things in my life have taught me to hide it all, to keep it safe, to never expose that vulnerable part of me. I wish I could, people hear me say that and they don't understand it, they think I like being this way...I hate it...but its not something I can just change, if I could I would...I am letting things out a little with Ken, more than I ever have with anyone, but sometimes I am afraid its not enough, that he judges me based on what I am not saying...I hate being so fucked up!

My friend also told me that when people first meet me they are afraid of me, that I look mean...lol to me thats funny...I am very nice and I go out of my way to help everyone and to make sure everyone around me is ok...but I guess I just look mean to them...geez! I grew up in the hood, the kind of place you hear about on the news, daily shootings and constant fights...hell the police wouldn't come to our area with out the SWAT team lol, and no I am not lieing at all...I grew up fighting and protecting myself...hell I had been suspended for fighting like 15 times before 7th grade...but my fights were usually because someone was picking on my brother or my friends, I was the friend who always made sure my friends were ok...sometimes to a fault. I just hate that people think I am mean...trust me peopel I'm not... I really am a nice person lol.

She really made me feel shitty about myself then said ...you know how it is Carie, people hate people who are different...what the hell? I am normal, I have no horns growing out of my head nor any tails...I am quiet...and I am a skater girl who loves to wear guys shirts (so much more comfortable) but I don't understand how I am different...

Well I guess I have blubbered on enough, probably makes no since...I am gonna go play sims and veg out for a bit with my dogs...night all :)