worried and a little scared

On Saturday we leave to go to Disneyland...I am excited to go as always, but there is so much weighing down my mind and heart...

I worry about Ken being here alone, worrying about who he will share the time with, I know it sounds wierd but lately he has put some major doubt in my head and it just keeps getting worse...it hurts me so much to think about him wanting someone else, but I sometimes think he does.

Theres this crazy woman who works for his company, I have mentioned her before, but I think their interaction goes over the line...that fine line between friends and beyond friends. She will say I love you and he says it back, like friendly...but those words are sacried to me, special...and if he shares them with her then what do they mean when he says them to me?

I am on the verge of tears often lately, slipping further into depression...I have lost alot lately and Ifeel like I am losing him as well, and hes putting the doubt there, time and time again...and I am just so hurt.

I have a friend I chat with, I never lie about him, hes been my friend for over 10 years...never have I said I love him, never have I kept our chat sesions private...never have I lied to Ken about it or told him to mee up with me for a beer or anything...these are things Ken does...I am so hurt right now, and going away is killing me inside...but I guess if we were meant to be he will keep that in his heart, if not I want him to leave me before hurting me...thats all I have ever asked of him...that if he wanted someone else to leave me before moving on or having an afair, just not to hurt me.

I know this post sounds whiney...but its weighing me down big time. See lies have hurt me so bad in the past that I need honesty, and when I don't get it, its like a knife in my heart...and right now I feel like I am gonna bleed to death.

I don't know if I have done something wrong to make him want to leave, I don't know if I am just not the one he wants...but I do know he needs to either learn to be truethful with me or decide if this is even what he wants.

I love him, he came into my life like a whirlwind in so many ways. I wasn't looking for love, and trust me when I met him I didn't think we could ever work, but I knew we could be friends. We are just such opposites. Hes a computer geek and I am a tomboy...he likes girly girls yet he saw me in my torn jeans (ripped the pocket just before seing him jumping a fence to skate an empty pool) and hoodie and he thought I was cute...he was dressed like a dude in an office and I thought ohhh man we won't have anything to talk about...but we work, we truely do.

Lately he has been a little snippy with me, I like to think its cause hes quit smoking, but it seems like there is something else going on. I think I am loosing him, I am not sure why or whats goign on, but I think I am loosing him. I didn't want to fall in love, but I did...I didn't want to care so deeply for a person that I could be hurt again, but I do and so much more...hes my other half.

I just am not going to sit back while he flirts with this stupid ugly crazy woman anymore... know I need to talk to him about it, I guess I was hoping he would just get tired of the lies and just let it go...

anyways I will blog happier stuff later, but right now I just hurt to much to make to much since... I hope all is better in your worlds..

Be good all...or at least be good at it