Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all of you mommies out there :o)

Ashley is always making me things for special occasions, and I am so looking forward to it...sometimes its stories, sometimes its drawings or crafts, but its always original and so full of love :o)

She is growing up so fast, it scares the hell out of me. I still remember holding her in my arms the first day and thanking god for her...counting her toes and fingers, kissing her soft spot...I remember laying there knowing that at that moment my baby was my world, my heart and my soul...

I also felt bad, I was so young and so scared, I hated that she was coming into this world to just me...no daddy to be seen, but even then I was thankfull...

The beautiful pink bald baby in my arms had saved my life in so many ways, I was a very screwed up and depressed teen, I had been through so much and there were more bad days then good...

I remember trying to take my life, waking up in the hospital days later madder than hell that I was found and saved, it was shortly after my best friend was murdered and right before our other friend stood in front of a train...I was hurting and I felt alone...Isaac was so horrible, I felt trapped in a hundred different ways, he hurt me in ways that will always haunt me...

but somehow none of that mattered when she was layed in my arms, I wanted to live, I wanted to be all the good things to her and for her...I wanted to see every moment, every milestone...she gave me a reason to let go of so much pain and to open my heart again...

When she was 3 I took her skating with me, I held her little hands, protecting her as best I could from the pain of falling down...she laughed and giggled everytime she nearly fell and I caught her, she trusted me completely...or the first time I took her swimming, she layed on my belly while I floated on my back...she was all wiggles and giggles...I miss those times.

She is an amazing little girl, shes so full of life, and still trusts that I will catch her, yet she pulls away and grows up a little more everyday...I am watching my baby girl turn into a teenager an it hurts so much. I am so proud of her, but I still want to hold on, I still want to be there to always catch her, to take away all the pain she will ever face, the logical part of me knows she has to go through it all in order to grow, but the mommy in me wants to protect her from all of it...

Ashley is so innocent. She is so different than alot of the kids at her school, she doesn't understand the stupid sexual jokes at all, they go right over her head, she doesn't understand violence because I have always made her world safe...she still plays barbies and legos, she writes amazing stories of bravery and her imagination is amazing...

I know I have to let go a little, to allow her to experience the world, but its so hard, I still see that small hand and the giggling little face looking up at me, trusting me...who knew letting them grow up could hurt so bad...

I am telling you about Ashley because this may be mothers day, but for me its "our" day...its the day my baby made me a mom and I thank god for that everyday...

Happy Mothers Day everyone...enjoy iy, embrace it and be happy :o)

Your friend
Carie :o)