Hello My Friends...

I haven't posted in awhile because I have drowning in a pool of my own depression...

I have so many bad images of myself, from my body to my mind...I don't think there is one thing I could hoenstly say I like about myself...I have always had these issues, and I know I have blogged all about it a million times, but guess what...I don't care lol...I need to get it out, to have that release...

I have put myself on a very strict diet and I have been exercising...I have a goal I want to achieve, I want to look a certain way for this summer, I don't expect any miracles, just a change big enough to make me feel wonderful, healthy and sexy....

I am also working on a inner peace I have never had, I want to find that place inside myself that gives my the strength and slef worth that I need to get through every day...

I have been dealing with alot of stuff that I have not let out...I haven't shared it with anyone yet, and I still can't, but I will go through a few of them...

We want to move...we want to find a place a little larger than this so that we don't feel like we are right on top of each other, my mom wants us to live with her...shes not doing good and so she has decided to buy a new house with us, a 4 bedroom with some land...I am not real happy with the situation, but I also know shes going to really need me soon, she works from 5-4 every day and then comes home and sleeps...shes 54 and very over weight...she has battled breast cancer and numerous surgeries on her leg and hip...she is having more trouble walking everyday and shes afraid of living alone...so I agreed as did Ken to try and make this work...but if she does get a new house, then we can't just get made and move away because we will have to help her finacialy to get a new house and thats also got me worried...

Ashley is very scared about going to 7th grade and I am just no good at boosting her up, hell I loved Junior High...but I was also so different from Ashley. I was the girl who had a million friends and I was forever hanging out with them...shes has 3 very good friends and shes so quiet and shy...she has such a hard time making friends. She is a silly little girl who has a mind that is amazing...her and her friends talk for hours on the phone playing word games...saying a word and making another word using the same letters without writing anything down...thats fun to her...lol I could never do that...so I am trying very hard to be her cheerleader lol.

my health is just really upsetting me, the pain is continuous, it is almost crippling...but shhh I never ever let them know just how much. I really do try to do everything thy want me to, and I try to do it with no complaint, and I think I have done a good damn job lol...but I am doing more physical activities to try and get the pain to be less. I have severe rhumitoid arthritis in all my joints, so there are days where getting out of bed, getting my knees to work, is the hardest thing to do. I am going to a urothogist on the 6th about my kidney stone problems (18 little bastards in 2 years) and they are considering surgery to possibly remove one Kidney and then putting me on a transplant list. My kidneys are both pretty bad, 1 works at 70% and the other at 52%, so its a huge concern...hell the long list of things wrong with me is sad and embarasing...

Well anyways I have said so much tonight I will just hang it up till tomorrow...

Oh one last thing, Ken has been wierd the last few days maybe even weeks...he has been a little distant and really cranky. I know its patial work stress and family stuff, but sometimes when we are togather I feel like hed rather be any where else...maybe I am just being paranoid, I often worry over things with Ken, but lately he has just been so upset, so any ideas on how to cheer him up...to help him out wih all of this stress he has...thanks

Carie