Sleepless in Cali...

While I was at the doc this last time we were discussing the fact that for 16 years I have had severe insomnia...and why. Its always hard for me to talk about, but I did, well she says I have PTSD, she wants to put me on sntidepressants, but I am not sure about them right now, so she gave me yet another type of sleeping pill, told me to try it everynight for 10 days...it never worked, I even went to bed sorta early, like 10...and I just laid there all night, eyes wide open, mind racing...it sucked.

I dont like to take alot of pills, terrified of becoming dependant, it runs in my family, so I am gonna continue my quest for holistic ways...or something lol.

this time of year is always hard for me, its the time when my friend was murdered...she was so young, we were so young...I think about her still on a nearly daily basis, Laurie was such a good person. I miss her, and I hate that he still breaths when she no longer can..he will die an old man on death row, and thats not fair. He writes his letters to all the girls, telling them hes a good guy...he is evil, honestly, truly, evil...and I wish he was dead.

I pretty much never wish harm on anyone, I am the person who takes in every stray animal, and befriends everyone, the person who hates to see anyone hurting and cries during the animal planet shows...heck I also cry during the comercials with the sick children...anyways, I never thought I could feel this type of hate, that after more years than you could imagine it still burns so deep and dark. Good or bad its how I feel.

She was 14, beautiful, funny and my friend...she hadn't even begun to live...

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone out there had tips on sleeping, I just want to sleep, during the night like a regular person :(