So Alone

I dont think anyone in my family understands just how lonely I am, how very sad and lonely I feel every moment. I don't hang out with my friends, their just seems to be so much drama with them at all times, plus no car...just not happening, Ken sits in the other room at all times, I try and talk to him and he will face me but his eyes will either be on the Tv or his computer, talking to my mom could kill me (she is way bad for my blood preasure) and my daughter has no intrest in me or how I feel or think.

Ken and I are drifting apart at a rapid pace, I will go in there like every few minutes to talk to him, tell him something beyond stupid just to talk, but he is way more interested in anything else. He is a big reason why I am so depressed lately. Hard to feel special, pretty or anything when the man you love has lost all intrest in you. I wrote him an email while we were in Washington, poured out my heart about a situation that still bothers me, he never responded, in any way, broke my heart. How do you fix something when the other person seems content with the way it is?

My mom and I will never get along, we never have, never will. Growing up she seldom ever spoke to me, she sat on the couch watching TV and ignoring us. She went to none of my school things, not one...she never walked me to school, never cried as I started school, never really acted as if I mattered to her, being treated like that by both parents leaves you broken.

Ashley, I think we both try to hard to talk to each other, we never just let it flow anymore. I feel as if she completely disregards my feelings and she feels the same about me. We are forever going back and forth, truly trying to find the middle ground. She will come in here and talk to me about things she likes and if I speak, she takes it as me not listening, when honestly I am listening, I just wanted to be part of the conversation...we dont have to agree on everything, I just want her to see my point as well. At least she talks to me though lol...and heres a big thing, shes smart, like way smart, and I'm not, so sometimes she will talk about things and I wont understand and when I say that, she gets so angry at me, so sometimes I pretend like I understand and then look it up afterwards...I wish I was smarter.

I am alone...all the time. Ashley has school, Ken and my mom have work, I have nothing. Being sick has taken most of that away from me. I feel lost, and scared and I have no one...no one cares, no one listens...I hope I never make my daughter feel the way I feel, and if I have I am just so sorry :(