Critics

My daughter is my biggest critic, judging everything I do.

when she was little I was a big rockstar in her eyes, she saw no flaws, she only saw her mom, the mom who loves her and adores her, the mom willing to do stupid shit just for her, but as she has gotten older she now judges me in such a harsh dark light.

Everything I do she flips and turns and makes bad, everything I say she tries to make it horrible...we can no longer joke, when I do she gets so angry at me and then refuses to talk to me...everyday I am fighting a losing battle with her...I just want her to know I love her, that she is so perfect in my eyes...but no matter what I say or do she is angry at me.

I know the living arrangement here sucks, the fighting is horrid...my mom and me just can not get along at all...but really? Why the hell does my daughter hate me so much? Why does she see only my flaws? Why doesn't she want to know me? Why has she never once wanted to hear anything about my life? Its because shes ashamed of me, its because I am different from the other moms...and for that she will never forgive me.

I would give anything to win Ashley back, to find the magic words that allowed her to know me, to see the mom thats always been there...but I am so scared I have lost her, I am terrified that she will never see past the outter shell...

I had a fucked up childhood, a truely fucked up one...but she has no idea about any of it, she refuses to hear it, and I swore I would never do to my children what was done to me...and I haven't, but some how none of that matters.

I seldom punish Ashley, shes a damn good kid, she works so hard to do all thats right in a world that is forever trying to tear her down, she has risen above so much bullshit, she really is amazing, I give her everything I can...literalyl and I always feel its not enough. I try and take her places, let her experience things I never did...its just so hard to relate to her because she is everything I never was.

I was the ultimate fuck up, let everyone down just by being born, I was super quiet, never talked to anyone in my family at all, kept to myself...hard to let people in when you are told from day 1 you weren't wanted...I hid everything in my life from my mom because no matter what she would put me down, say things that were way out there...for the first half of my life she sat on the couch and never moved...never went to any school thing, never spoke to us, never did anything...my brother and I took care of each other. this led to David resenting me, he hated that he had to take care of me, it led to me having no respect for my mom, why respect the woman who would rather sit and stare at a wall then be with you?

I just never fit in anywhere...never have never will. But I always wanted more for Ashley, I wanted her to always know how much shes loved and wanted, I always wanted her to know no matter what she is my life...but no matter what I do she hates me.

What the hell do I do to fix it, what do I say to help her see me?

My heart is bad...really bad, and my blood preasure is so bad I am on 2 pills for it...there is so much bad stuff happening with my health that me having a heart attack at any moment is a real thing...and I don't want to leave this world having her hate me, I want to make sure she knows how loved and cherished she is, I want to appologize to her for not being the mom I once was, pain can destroy a person. I want more than anything for her to see how amazing she is, I want her to know that she is honestly one of the very best people ever and that she is loved...