Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I stopped believing in you when I was a tiny girl, when I wrote letters to you every year, begging for something important, it was never for me, but really important. I pleaded with you to bring my brother a special gift, one that would help him to believe again, something to make him smile. It never happend, funny how when you are a child that kind of hurt seems unbearable. I sat on your knee in a parking lot, mom wanted a picture, I just wanted the chance to ask you in person, to plead with you face to face, still no gift. We got few gifts as kids, not because we weren't loved, but because my mom was a single mom doing all she could to feed us, thats why I reached out to you, believing the silly stories my friends told, the stories that made you sound magical, the ones where you made dreams come true.

I waited year after year, always begging and pleading with you as only a small child could, pouring my little heart out to you...and nothing. I just wanted to see him smile, wanted to see him come back to us, but that gift never came, and every year that it didn't come I grew so angry. Santa, I wish you wouldn't make kids believe in you, I wish you would let kids know when things weren't gonna happen...but instead I was lead to believe you would deliver, you ass hole!

After years of pleading with you I gave up, it was to late, my brother hated christmas, hated it so much, and he made sure we all hated it, and I blamed you for so long Santa (you ass hole).

Now as an adult I realize it wasn't your fault, what I asked for was something no man could deliver, something only a child could think was feasible...I still think your a jerk, but I no longer blame you. he will never see out of that eye, no matter how much I begged, it wasn't your fault...funny though that I still blame myself. He poked his eye with that damn fork because he wanted to make my squiky toy quiter, he wanted to make sure the step monster wouldn't punish me anymore for the noise, why the hell did you bring me a noisy toy when you knew he would hurt me?

Whatever, its done...but as only a child could, I dreamed that you would leave a gift for my brother, a gift that gave him back his sight, it never happend, and I am sorry for all the years I have hated you...funny that when my brother was diagnosed with cancer I watched as my little girl wrote you a note with tears running down her cheeks, a note begging you for a special gift for my brother, she wrote to you asking for you to give him his life. The letter was heart breaking and held so much love and trust, I watched as she wrote it and I knew she was going to be hurt like I was, but I let her write it, walked her hand in hand to mail it, drove her to the mall so she could whisper it in your ear...

Thats when I realized I was glad she was doing it, because that little girl lost inside me wanted to write the same letter, make the same bargains, plead with all my heart...she wrote the same letter to you every year, it never made a diference, hes still terminal. Funny how much I hated you for not delivering his new eye and she was happy for every year my brother was and is still here, I am thankful my little girl is able to see things in a way I never did...

Dear Santa, thank you...thank you for showing me, through my daughter, that the real gift is our love and our family, thank you for just allowing all the children of the world to dream and live in that safe, sweet bubble that is believing in you...

I am thankful everyday for my daughter, for my mother and brother, for Ken, for my whole crazy, loud family...thank you for that gift santa...sorry but the little girl in me still sorta thinks your an ass hole, hey I am working on it...anyways I hope you have a merry christmas