Reflections

I hate my reflection, I avoid most mirrors as much as possible...

What I see there shocks me, scares me and just hurts...

I used to be a whole different person, someone who laughed all the time, not an empty laugh, a true deep laugh, I was always ready to take on the world, I loved to goof off with my hair and stuff, trying to look different...

Now I am different, and lost...I went from a teen to a mom, I never got to be a woman first...

One day I was goofing off in school, laughing and looking forward to being a senior...then I was a mom, and everything changed, I dedicated my whole life to her, I worked every job out there to get her all the stuff she wanted and needed...I played with her all the time, I set up my whole house around her, inside play ground because I lived in the ghetto...

I stopped being a teen and started being Mommy...I never dated, I shut my self off from everything, I was single mindedly focused on my perfect, beautiful little girl...I was and am proud, I love being a mom, its all I ever wanted...

and yet...

I want to be sexy and wanted...I never really got to date before I had Ashley...it was not a romantic moment that created her, but she was wanted anyway, from the moment they said I was pregnant there was never a doubt, no matter what her father did or may do to me, I wanted her...

I stopped being a woman...I never got to go through all the steps of being a teen to being a woman, never got to discover life, I don't regret it, but I think I lost something in it...

I didn't date till I was 25/26 and that was with Ken...he was my first real date...and our first real date revolved around Ashley and my nephew...yep thats right...I brought 2 kids with me...we seldom were alone, I thought it was going to scare him off, but he stuck around...then he took me away for the weekend...hardest thing I had ever done, I had never been away from Ashley...and he let me call her the million times I needed to, he never bitched or complained when I called her, and when I started to look off in the distance he would nudge me and say go ahead and call, and he would smile and hold me...

I still didn't feel beautiful, I still didn't feel like a woman...

I love the way he makes me feel, the way he makes me laugh...I love that he is with Ashley, never making me feel bad when I have to do for her first, my friends say thats rare, but I guess I wouldn't know...

when we first got togather the idea of being physical with him freaked me out...I had only been with Ashleys dad, and that was not a "fun"thing...good thing my brain shut off lol...I still feel like I have no clue what I am doing lol, hes been married and well hell hes been around...I haven't...I guess alot of women do that, worry about experience...

I hate what I look like, I hide under baggy hoodies and jeans...I am a skater girl,always have been, hell I used to take my board everywhere with me, just in case there was a perfect spot or an empty pool...I was a tomboy, hell I still am...but even as a tomboy I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel like a woman, I want to feel sexy and seductive, not akward and embarrased...yep...I am a dork

The lights have to be off, I hide under large nightshirts most night, but yes I do have the frilly silky stuff, but it makes me feel like I am playing dress up...he bought me my first pair of heels...lol and I suck at walking in them...I stumble from time to time and I always get the damn heel stuck in the grass...ALWAYS...but I keep trying...for him...

Ashley told me yesterday I was beautiful, she was glad she looked like me...made me smile...my mini me is proud of me, and I have strived for it...I have tried so hard to live a life she could be proud of...

I never experimented as a teen...never drank, smoked...nothing...my first time getting drunk I was 26 and I did it more from a broken heart than wanting to drink...Ken had hurt me then, and since then things have always gone upwards, well not always, but we are happy...

I have been trying to find "me" for along time, but then again I have no idea how to a find a person I don't know...so I keep trying to change, or to be everyone but me...but I think I am a pretty good person...so maybe I am not as lost as I feel, maybe I just need to get over the fact that I gained weight, I just need to learn to accept myself...and in doing so maybe I feel discover my hidden woman lol...hell maybe I will never be the knock out woman lol...

blah...I lost my train of thought in all of that lol